turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
