in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
