Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
