He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
