OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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