I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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