white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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