wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Randomize
