Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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