ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
