He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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