it hurts more in the daytime
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
