I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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