his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
