I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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