I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
