Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
