I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
