i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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