You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
