the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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