You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
