Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
