I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
