overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
