my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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