I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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