when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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