yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
