Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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