There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You made out with two different species that night
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
