tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
