Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
