i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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