why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
