Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
