somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
