Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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