Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
