I just made out with a guy for $7.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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