Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
