my sisters under your porch take her home
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
