"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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