Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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