apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
