a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
