new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
