and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize