I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
