Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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